And I embraced that life in You. We flew
…..higher than I've ever been. Years went by and I grew,
always aware of Your grace. For it was that grace that made me new.
Then one day I turned. I don't even remember when it was, but I turned.
Not far….ever so slightly, but my view of You was now blocked
by this old thing that had returned.
Oh, I still saw You, and loved You I did. But I hid…..
Only a little…..not much. But that opened the door to that empty, dark heart
that scared me so much.
Next thing I knew I was living in that place I hadn't been in years.
I hated that place - it caused pain and tears.
Yet where were You?
I couldn't see You anymore.
I know You were there, but I no longer talk to You or see You.
It shakes me to my core…..
Yet I run.
You are light yet I live in darkness.
This heart is heavy and I do not remember being young.
I wonder what could cause such sadness, darkness and pain. It is like a song unsung…..
how much longer could I sustain?
I'm in a full blown rebellion against the only love I ever knew. But I could trust You.
You gave me riches in insight and truth.
I shared You with zeal and never forgot;
for that very love and trust You so freely give
breathed fresh life into me and caused me to live.
But this thing I am doing is not living at all.
In fact, it is a slow death I'm enduring because of this fall.
Oh lord, I know Your forgiveness is perfect,
but I must be willing to turn again;
but I find I don't seek Thee.
And during those years we flew, I was still plagued with a fragile mind….
I suffered so greatly - tho only from time to time.
But it remained - that darkness in my mind - it seems it went from my heart to my head…
but dark it was; sometimes I feel dead.
But I wasn't dead because of You.
But somehow it returned. Here and there,
But Your love and grace reigned and Your glory grew.
We fought the good fight, You and me.
And the handful of prayer warriors and mentors that You provided
prayed hard and were blessed by Thee.
So how did I get where I am today? I have never felt so far away…
...From You, Lord, my heart aches for Your love and Your grace that You give.
Mercy that shows Your the reason for the life that we live.
Yet here I sit, alone and scared.
What if I'm the one who is so impaired…
….. that heaven is removed from my future plan
Because I stayed in darkness too long for one man.
Knowing the truth but trying to hide
behind an addiction that is killing me inside.
Oh, on the outside I look OK.
Sure, there are noticeable changes that people can see,
but they don't know what is inside of me.
My mind tells me lies, but they seem so right.
I believe them and no longer put up a fight.
I've given in - perhaps too far.
But I'm tired of fighting, I've lost sight of my Star.
My Light who shined so brightly in me
now sits patiently by and waits for me….
to return to my Love, but will I ever be free
To love God and Christ the way I used to, and be all I'm called to be?
My mind is chaotic, it runs on and on,
but it seems never in the direction of You, You're gone!
I'm reminded it's not You that's gone
rather the peace I had when You were the breath I lived on.
You're still here with me, even as I write
but I don't "feel" You and exist on just simply air.
At times it seems just too much to bear.
So why does this stubborn heart refuse to yield
To the One who from day one, tells me I'm sealed?
In this body His very Spirit dwells
But even with Your Spirit I fell.
The longer I stayed the harder it got
To picture my life as it was... because now it is not.
The precious time I spent with You
seems like a distant memory - harder to remember as time passes.
And I know in You there is life, but somehow this "thing" keeps me from coming.
It makes no sense, not even to me.
In this life I sometimes no longer want to be.
But in death will I be sent to a pit of eternal destruction
by a Saviour I once knew,
Or would He greet me,
"Good servant, I am well pleased with you"?
So I sit in my pit that I dug
writing about a great God I once loved.
I love Him still, tho I love myself more.
It grieves me so to know this. I live with the swine, having spent His riches
and now I am poor.
Your Word says You love me, the prodigal son,
If only I would repent and return to the One….
Who has a robe, fatted calf and a ring,
New life will You give me and the angels will sing
Over the one who is saved.
But I'm lying here right next to my grave.
When will I choose the only love I ever knew?
Will, in Him, I be saved, only He knows…..
But Lord,
One more thing.
Please help my mind to be sound
and remember those things that have kept me bound.
Free up my hands and my feet
From this demon that has, for years, kept me beat.
I want to be whole, but only in You,
yet I run in rebellion to the things I once knew.
Come and save me from myself; it has to be now,
For tomorrow may not come, and to You I will bow.
I'll give account for this thing I call life,
but is nothing but chaos, darkness and strife.
But answer I will and Lord let me say,
"It wasn't pretty but we made it"…..
And look up to see
My Savior standing over me
Saying, "Servant, I am well pleased with thee".
