No Comprende' Englaeso'.....

Welcome to America. Not my usual start to my blog but I couldn't help but think that when I left the bagel store with my two children in tow. A week ago we stopped at a local bagel store that we love for a special treat before school. We walked in, like so many times before. "May I have a plain bagel with sausage, egg and cheese please...(and pointing to a muffin I ask) and what kind of muffin is that?" The gentleman behind the counter went and got a plain bagel and went to the back and repeated the order to the cook (I assume) and came back to the counter where me and my two children were standing. Again, pointing to the same muffin in the case, I say "Can you tell me what kind of muffin this is?" He looked quizzical. "Muffin...what kind is it?"...He went to the muffin case, picked up the muffin and walked away saying, "butter?"....

"No...I don't want that muffin. I want to know what kind it is"...at which point he went and put the muffin back and stared at me...I am thinking I need to try a different approach. OK. I point at that same muffin and say "Is it cinnamon and sugar?" at which point he says "AAAHHH" and goes back over to the bagels and pulled out a cinnamon and sugar bagel and says "butter?"...UGH. "NO" I replied. "I don't want a bagel. I'm not even sure I want a muffin anymore. Can you tell me what flavor this bagel is?" at which point he confesses, "No comprehende' englaeso". Oh, now I get it. He has absolutely no idea what I am saying. So I get smart and said "does that man on the grill speak english?" More funny faces. I point to the back where the cook is cooking and say "English?" He says "no". OK. Two men in the store. Neither one speaks english and of course, my language was French, not spanish. HHmmmm...need a different approach - as my italian dander is getting ruffled. I pointed at the muffin and said "FLAVOR" real slow because we all know that when you speak English to someone who doesn't speak the language, if you say it loud and slow, somehow they will get it. "No" was his reply. OK, I start pointing to everything one at a time that were clearly evident as to what they were. "Plain....(pointing to the plain bagel) - cinnamon (pointing to the cinnamon one)...chocolate (pointing to the chocolate muffin...cherry (pointing to the cherry muffin)" then once again I pointed to the mystery muffin and say shrug my shoulders as if to say "What is it"? He says "ah!" as he rushes off to the back. Now I am wondering what on earth he is doing. He comes back about two minutes later with literally a CASE of muffins in the box that they came in and points to the side that says "pumpkin" and he had the biggest smile ever! "Yes! Pumpkin!" "Thank You" I tell him as I try to figure out how to tell him I don't want a pumpkin muffin! He goes in the back again and comes out and I say "No thank you...just the bagel" pointing in the back. He smiled. The cook brings out the bagel and I get some drinks and a coffee and he rings me up and the total is $5.33 (whew - minimum $5 charge and I have NO money). I hand him a credit card at which point he got that sad, sullen look on his face AGAIN and shrugged his shoulders and says "cash?" "No, I don't have cash - I only have a credit card". I am, at this point, looking at the clock realizing that we are now late for school. "Change?" he asks? "No (I repeat) I only have a credit card" and he says "first day" and I take the credit card and take him by the hand over to the credit card machine and I say "I show you"...

I swipe the card and say "see?" then pointed to the green "yes" button and say "push, see?" and then I go to the register with him and point to the sale amount and walk back over to the credit card machine and push 5.33 and say "see?" then pointed to the green yes button and say "push, see?" and waited. The receipt printed and he let out a sigh of relief and says "Yes!, Thank YOU!" and I sign the receipt and show him how to open the drawer to put the receipt away and take care of the next customer who was standing there the whole time smiling.

We took our stuff and walked out..."Someone in there should be able to speak english" I announce to my kids. "Well, mommy, maybe he just got here" says Rae. "Rae, I think if I were in Italy and spoke NO Italian I would be hard pressed to get a job". I thought to myself...once again...you can't make this stuff up!

Until next time...

Dunkin Donuts - It ain't just donuts (oh, that's right - YES IT IS)

Today was a lovely day. Went to football and the game was cancelled (note to self - check email before going to game in the rain). Check. Dropped Adam off and saw my buddy Reggie for awhile and finally got that bagel I so craved this morning. Stayed home until about 4 pm when I read my emails and saw one from my friend, Heather, asking for a Halloween letter "E" for her son Elias (I make decorative letters for children's rooms and this is Elias' first Halloween so it is time for a festive "E"). So I decided to go out and get the supplies and get busy. I thought since it was so beautiful out I would stop on the way home, get some coffee and stop by the barn to see Buddy (my horse).

Went to craft store and bought supplies (and another "E" for Christmas!) and drove straight to Dunkin Donuts for coffee. I stood in line while two teen age boys ordered all sorts of stuff...but who cares - I'm happy. I'm gettin my coffee (whoo-hooo). My turn..."can I help you" the young man behind the counter asks. "Why yes, you can...I'll take a medium decaf black and another medium decaf light and sweet (that one was mine - the other my moms...she always says she likes her coffee like she likes her men - black and strong - lol)". "I'm sorry, ma'am (and don't you HATE when someone young calls you ma'am!) we don't have decaf". Now, I must say. This statement took me by surprise. I actually stood there for about 1 minute silent. Completely silent. And for all who know me, I can't remember the last time I was short on words. SILENT!..."No coffee?" I asked almost with a painful look on my face because this statement still was not registering. "No, ma'am...no decaf". At this point I realize he isn't kidding. He has NO DECAF. And if this boy calls me ma'am one more time I am going to leap over that counter and clock him! (side note - now you know why I was asking for decaf. I see the irony here with my agression toward this young man!).

I looked straight into his lovely blue eyes and said, quite firmly, "this IS Dunkin Donuts, right?!". Now I know what you are all thinking. There went my Chirstian witness. Me with my Jesus necklace on and my fish on the car pulling in listening to worship music and I am about to leap over the counter because I think this is just a cruel joke. I'm not sure which is more cruel. The fact that they had no decaf or the fact that he continues to call me ma'am! "Yes ma'am (there he went again with that ma'am thing), it is and I am sorry, but we don't have decaf" at which point I proceed to the LARGE shelving system RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME that is LOADED with "DECAF" Dunkin Donuts Coffee! I point to it and say "I think you do have decaf. There is an entire wall of it here". This poor guy was wanting to die at this point and says "I only work here" and pointed to the gentleman standing there doing NOTHING. He says "no, we don't have decaf". I looked at my watch....yup...4 pm - NOT AM....looked at the wall of coffee and read CAREFULLY DECAF....nope, not losing my mind. I looked at the older man and said, "But you DO have decaf. You have about 50 bags here.". He comes out from behind the counter and bends over to look real close - as if it were going to morph into something magically. He reads "DECAF" I am sure of it because it said DECAF!. He stands up and says, "no, we don't".

Now you could NOT imagine what went through my mind at this point. The theme song from the Twilight Zone started playing and I went straight into orbit. Right to Pluto. Didn't stop to pass go, didn't collect $200 either. I said, "You have GOT to be kidding me, right (I am thinking this HAS to be Candid Camera and begin looking around for a hidden camera). There is an ENTIRE wall of coffee that says DECAF - unless I have lost my mind and it really doesn't say decaf at all". He looks up right at me and says "Oh, we can't use this. It's 'different'"....

WHAT IN THE @)($*@)($*)@(*$ DOES THAT MEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's different! (Now know that I am screaming this next line as I type it) IT'S DUNKIN DONUTS DECAF COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This poor guy. The young guy behind the counter looked at me and tilted his head as if to say, "hey lady, I get it...really I do. It makes no sense to me either", but said nothing. This older man said to me "you can call to complain if you want" at which point I just started laughing at the incredible insanity of it all and said, "why would I do that. You don't have decaf....though there is a wall of it....you tell me it's different, though it looks the same to me and you won't take the bag and make a pot of decaf! - what's the point". Now with NOT a sympathetic bone in his body he looks at me and says (sit down...) "there is another Dunkin Donuts a few miles down the road". I just HAD to say it....I could NOT help myself. I wanted to shut up...really I did. I wanted to say nothing, but I just couldn't. "Do you think THEY have coffee???!!!" and walked out.

And like the feind I am, I drove 4 miles and went to the other dunkin donuts where they actually had decaf...whew. Got my fix but came home bewildered and HAD to blog this one. I swear I don't make this stuff up, really I don't.

Until next time...

It must run in the family...

For those of you who don't know, I have a sister who lives in California....the land of "fruits" and "nuts". That is a WHOLE other blog. I rarely talk to her, but lately have caught up and I have realized one scary thing....the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. Holy smokes, Batman...talking to her is like talking to myself...literally. We sound and look NOTHING alike, but she is a true blonde as well. Not on the outside...we are both brunettes. But on the inside, we are truly both blonde. After our last chat, I actually thought, if this is even possible, that she just may be blonder than me! Did I just say that? Is it possible that anyone could be blonder than me? Yup. I think it is. SHE, I repeat, SHE HAS TO BE blonder than me. She just has to be. Well, something just occurred to me. She used to say "Arrie, you got all the brains and I got all the hormones". I believe that is true. I won't comment on the hormone part, but I will go so far as to say that I actually think I got all the brains....isn't that a scary thought! ME with all the brains. That isn't saying much given all the blogs I have shared about myself. With that said...

We were chatting the other night. We were trying to figure out a way to fly her out for my mom's 85th birthday, but we just can't swing it because she is scheduled for surgery on October 23rd and the party is Oct 10th. A Saturday from 12-4. And (believe it or not) she has a doctor appointment on SATURDAY, OCT 10 at noon. That hardly seems possible but it is true. She has the ONLY doctor in all of California that works on Saturdays. OK. That is totally unrelated information except that the surgery is on her ankle, which she broke over a year ago. She broke it walking UP stairs. Yes, you read that correctly....walking UP stairs. Is it me or is that near impossible? Nope, not for Terri. For Terri, NOTHING is impossible.

So, she had her surgery and was at a friend's house recovering. Needless to say, it was a massive break and they had to put all sorts of pins and rods in her ankle so she had a script of some heavy duty pain meds when she got home and like a good girl, she took them faithfully. The first day she was all sorts of "dizzy" (and I use the term loosely) from the pain meds and had a horribly hard time walking on the crutches. She was describing it to me as I laughed out loud at the visual. She said she would get up on the crutches to walk and she would wobble to one side or the other, depending on the moment. She would try to walk across the room and wobble to the right and was nearly walking in to walls and falling over to one side or the other. The first day was bad and she thought "Man, I need to stop taking that medicine. I am completely SO looped that I can't even walk". But the thought of that was not a reality as the pain was so bad. Her description of the walking was hysterical. I kept picturing her walking, starting in the middle of the room and by the time she made 7 steps whe was stuck in one corner or the other, trying to figure out 1) how she got there and 2) how she would get back! She went on to tell me that this went on for two days.

After the second day, and no help from her friend Phoenix, she had a talk with herself and decided she just HAD to do something. She couldn't go on like this because she was going to inevitable add a broken hip or head to the list of the broken ankle. Phoenix thought the whole thing was pretty hysterical, laughing out of control each time she attempted the walking. But Terri is a trooper and was NOT about to quit. She just kept on keeping on. As each attempt to walk went on, Phoenix's laughter became more uncontrolled to the point where she actually wondered if it were HE who was taking the drugs. It was at this point that she finally made a firm decision and announced to Phoenix, "I CANNOT take those drugs anymore. I cannot walk. I hobble from one side to the other, I cannot walk a straight line and I am falling into walls and cannot figure out why other than it MUST be the drugs." And that is when Phoenix fessed up...

"Terri", he says, "I lowered one of your crutches a notch". At this point I nearly peed my pants laughing out loud SO darn hard that I woke up Adam. Apparently HE has quite a warped sense of humor (just like me). That is something I would do. Every time she took the crutches, depending on which arm pit the shorter one ended up under, she would wobble to one side or the other and Phoenix let this go on for two days before he fessed up. I nearly died. My kind of man!

Now, I can go on and on about her complete lack of any brains or sense here, but I won't. I will just suffice it to say that I am pretty sure I (emphasis on the "I") would have figured out something was wrong with the crutches right away, as blonde as I am, I am just SURE I would have checked the crutches. Now, I don't check the car to make sure Adam is in it, and I don't check the calendar to see that school starts, but I am SURE I would have checked that darn crutch.

Until next time...