"Mary's Song (Oh My My My)"

She said, I was seven and you were nine
I looked at you like the stars that shined
In the sky, the pretty lights
And our daddies used to joke about the two of us
Growing up and falling in love and our mamas smiled
And rolled their eyes and said oh my my my

Take me back to the house in the backyard tree
Said you'd beat me up, you were bigger than me
You never did, you never did
Take me back when our world was one block wide
I dared you to kiss me and ran when you tried
Just two kids, you and I...
Oh my my my my

Well, I was sixteen when suddenly
I wasn't that little girl you used to see
But your eyes still shined like pretty lights
And our daddies used to joke about the two of us
They never believed we'd really fall in love
And our mamas smiled and rolled their eyes
And said oh my my my...

Take me back to the creek beds we turned up
Two A.M. riding in your truck and all I need is you next to me
Take me back to the time we had our very first fight
The slamming of doors instead of kissing goodnight
You stayed outside till the morning light
Oh my my my my

A few years had gone and come around
We were sitting at our favorite spot in town
And you looked at me, got down on one knee

Take me back to the time when we walked down the aisle
Our whole town came and our mamas cried
You said I do and I did too
Take me home where we met so many years before
We'll rock our babies on that very front porch
After all this time, you and I

I'll be eighty-seven; you'll be eighty-nine
I'll still look at you like the stars that shine
In the sky, oh my my my...

My Daughter the Poet

Who Knew!  I am a writer…..I always have been.  I have been journaling and blogging for so many years.  I don't let anyone read my journals, in fact, my family is under very STRICT rules that when I die, they are to burn ALL my journals.  It isn't for any eyes buy mine and Gods.  However, in them there are some decent writings, poems, etc which I am trying to gather up and put in one place so that they have a chance of surviving me.  I digress….

Rae is VERY private.  She writes ALL the time and has since she was little.  And she will never allow me to read any of it.  Nor will she sing for me (she has the voice of an angel).  I'm not sure why, I attribute it to keeping her distance at nearly 17 from "mom" and finding her own way.  However, the other night she asked me if I wanted to read her poems….there were maybe a dozen.  Um, HELL YEA I want to read them.  And I did.  I was FLOORED.  She truly is a talented poet and I do NOT say that because she is my daughter.  I say that because it is a gift the Lord has CLEARLY given her for expressing herself, which she does not do on a regular basis.  You rarely get loud laughter nor do you see many tears.  Rae rides down the middle of the street pretty much all of the time.  But I felt that AT LEAST two of them warranted posting.  Here is one.

HOPE, PEACE, STRENGTH

Hope.

That is what You give.

Hope of another day

Not a day to fail,

But to learn and  be forgiven.

Peace.

That is what You give.

Peace in all hardships,

Not for immediate end,

But to learn and lean on You.

Strength.

That is what You give.

Strength to move mountains,

Not alone;

But by Your Name.

Hope.  Peace.  Strength.

That is what You give.

Not so we can conquer all,

But so we can live for You.

That moved me so deeply inside.  She also was baptized in the Holy Spirit last weekend and has made a decision to NOT read a mandatory book in the public school system as it swears continually and uses the Lords name in vain.  Today she will explain herself and ask for a different book.  If the teacher refuses, I have given her permission to not read the book and fail the assignments.  Hard decisions for a 16 year old to make, but she has such a tender spirit for the Lord, how could I NOT back her with the book?  So that was one of two poems I asked permission to print.  The other will come later.  I am SO proud of the young lady she has become.  And oh how she loves Jesus!

Until next time…...

SPLAT!

why ANY hair product would be named "SPLAT"......wonder no more.  Raechyl had a blue section of hair underneath.  It was fading, as blue always does.  So she decided she wanted it pink for October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month.....very admirable.  So we went out and got "SPLAT".

And that is where the mess.....um....I mean story begins.  She HAD to have it done TODAY.....I wanted to wait a few days until she had more time and was less stressed out, but NO.....HAD to be today.  OK......I'm hair savvy.  I read the box, nixed the bleach as her hair had been bleached to put the blue in.  So I took out the pink (NEON pink) and put the gloves on and made sure NOT to get it on anything as it was very clear that it stains everything....especially the skin!

So I got my gloves on, sectioned the hair (like the "professional" I am) and away we went.  At first we were fine, then the more I put on, the messier it got...some dropping on the floor resulting in a panicked scream, "ADAM!  HELP!!!!!"  So as he was scrubbing the tiles, I was dropping more and more hot pink dye EVERYWHERE....including the poor kids neck, shoulder and arm.....but what's a girl to do but to go on.  Once the dye was on the hair (amongst other places) I bagged the hair in an attempt to minimize the damage.  Then I went to work scrubbing the skin....and I DO mean scrubbing.  Scrubbing to the point that it became difficult to determine which was the dye and what was skin discolored from the scrubbing.  And worst yet was that it wasn't coming off...so in my infinite wisdom I decided laundry bleach should do the trick.  So again, I scrubbed the already burned skin with laundry bleach to no avail.  Then as a last ditch effort I took the hair bleach that the package came with, mixed it up and layered it on the skin.  Now at this point, Raechyl was running around the kitchen in circles SCREAMING that it was burning and to get it off....so I did.  And I did so by, yes you guessed it, scrubbing it off.  All this was a useless effort as NONE of it worked.  It has been two weeks now.  The dye has faded to a barely visible shade of lavender, but that pink on her skin is going strong.  She is thankful it is cold here as she has worn long sleeves since and also has not worn her hair up.

As I see it, I was doing what mom's do.....help your kids.  However, this experience changed Raechyl, and perhaps forever.  She has made a definitive declaration that she will NEVER dye her hair again.  She is "DONE" with dying hair....black, blue, pink - she doesn't care if she turns grey at the age of 17.....she will NEVER do color on her hair again - poor thing.

 As I see it, I am simply keeping a future therapist employed.  By the time I get done with them, they will be good for AT LEAST a few years of therapy.

Look, my parents kept a therapist employed for nearly ten years, the least I could do is keep a future therapist employed, keeping the generational expectations fulfilled.

Until next time....

Meet Keegan.....

This is Keegan - our one eyed wonder.  We rescued him from Eleventh Hour Rescue in Randolph, NJ.  His story is:  Apparently he was a fight dog, full of scars - mostly bite marks but one rip on his hind quarter.  He was found in Tennessee chained in some yard with no food and no water and a metal bar literally sticking out of his head.  Someone took him and brought him to a vet who was able to save his life, but he lost his eye.  When we adopted him he was a handful.  We thought he was a pit bull/boxer mix.  But because he was SO stubborn and exhibited signs of ADD, I had him DNA tested to see exactly what i was dealing with.  He is actually a full blooded American Staffordshire Terrier.....AKA the American Large Pit Bull.  He knew NOTHING.  Had clearly never been in a house.  I did some research and several months later now, with very STRICT pack rules in place, he is EVERY bit of what he was bred to be.  Extremely loyal, loving and affectionate with people.....kids included.  He is bullish (doesn't mean to be he is just a tank), fun, quirky, and SO desires to obey his owners.  However, he does NOT do dogs.  He is a fierce watchdog and protector of his home and his owners.....and actually at this point in our lives, a fierce watchdog is a good thing in our home right about now.  He is JUST learning how to play fetch.  He can sit, lay down and will wait however long we make him for his food.  We are working on "shake" and he has earned his way out of the crate and now has kitchen privileges. He does not go anywhere else in the home, except with me during the day....I make him go everywhere I go on the main floor of the house including the bathroom.  See, our other dog ran out the front door and got hit by a car and killed right in front of my house.  I NEVER EVER want to go through that again so I am trying to train Keegan to stick with me.

He is so sweet and for all he has been through, he as an amazing ability to love unconditionally and trust unconditionally.  Dogs are like that.  They aren't like people who hold grudges and harbor anger.  They just live in the moment.  Kind of like what I am trying to do these days.  Life has been rough the last couple of months, but having Keegan has been a great distraction and a good reminder of how to live in the moment.

So, heres to our Keegan.....a bull dozer, a tank, a dog that seems to get himself in trouble without even trying by his sheer size and strength.....but he keeps trying.  Always trying to please me.  Kind of like me.  Blowing it and not meaning to, but I keep trying.  Trying to live a life pleasing to my Lord Jesus Christ.  And like Keegan, I am trying to not think about all the peripheral things that really don't matter at the end of the day.  What matters is my family, my relationship with God and the position of my heart.

So, once again, God is using a dog to teach me some simple things.....patience being one of them.  Keegan has sucked me dry of patience, but one look from that eye of his and somehow my patience tank gets refilled and I'm ready to forge ahead.....

Until next time.....

Step away from the boat....

Or actually, step INTO the boat.....stepping away from the boat is what got me in trouble to begin with.  This summer we were at the lake house.  In fact, I think it was the first time we had gotten there all summer.  On Saturday Eric, Raechyl and Adam went fishing and they ALL caught some pretty big large mouth bass but Adam had caught "BIG DADDY"....which, of course, includes bragging rights.  So Sunday morning, I told Eric that I was going to go fishing and beat that catch.....but no one wanted to go except Eric.  So he unteathered the boat as he had done a million times before and I went to get in, as I had done a million times before and for some reason, the boat started to slip away.  I had one foot on the seat and the other foot on the dock.  My choices were clear:  I could NOT jump backwards as the boat was pulling me forward so I had to jump in the boat.  However, as luck would have it, as I jumped, my foot on the seat slipped off the seat and I dove, literally, face first into the anchor.....not able to break my fall with anything.  After the initial hit, my head flung backwards as it should have.....you know - basic science.....a body in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force.  Well, that outside force was the anchor and it stopped me dead in my tracks.  I literally heard my face crackle.  Hands to face IMMEDIATELY as Eric continued to ask, "Are you OK?!!!!  Are you OK?!!!!!" I said nothing, just kept my face covered until the blood started pouring through my hands.  He threw me a towel and proceeded to get me out of the boat, up the dock and inside.  My nose was literally pouring blood out at the rate of a full open faucet.  After about 30 minutes of saying nothing, just scared I decided to go in and look at the damage.  When I did, I touched my nose (at the bridge) and it literally wobbled back and forth.......clue number 1 that it was definitely broken....and BAD.

So, in Eric's infinite compassion and wisdom he asks me if I needed to go to a hospital......Um, I thought, Yup.....I'm thinking my gooey floppy nose won't fix itself.  Then he asks if I wanted to go to Troy, NY Hospital (40 minutes away) or Morristown Memorial, NJ (4 HOURS away)......he KNEW we had coverage in Morristown......I opted for Troy.  A CT scan later and a confirmation of a "shattered nose and broken orbital socket" - yes, I broke my eye socket as well, not to mention ripped my left shin wide open, but there was no meat so they opted NOT to stitch but to wrap tightly to stop the bleeding and sent me off with my CT scan, my bandaged leg and towel for my STILL bleeding nose to go home.  Next day I called an ENT and went in for evaluation.  Yup, shattered nose all right.  Needed immediate surgery - next day.  There was nothing they could do for the broken orbital socket except let it heal.  This was the beginning of a VERY bad 4 weeks to follow.

The whole ordeal freaked me out.  I think it was because it was my face.  I didn't want anyone anywhere near me.  I freaked out ANY time someone or something was within 3 feet of me, so I pretty much stayed alone (far from my family and dog) for about 3 weeks which is how long it took to be able to put glasses back on and a full 6 weeks to be stable enough to blow again.

So, there you have it.  Once again, speedy gonzales got all twisted up in some sort of physical thing that , of course, resulted in yet another surgery - and that would not be my last for this summer.  Looking back, this was the worst summer in my memory.....for a multitude of reasons.  But as always, God is bigger than all this and today I am, once again, forging forward.  Not looking back because I am not going that way.  In time, ALL wounds heal, both the physical ones and the internal scars left from hurts sometimes too deep to even think about.

Until next time......

Life.....Too much sometimes.....

Again, I haven't blogged in forever and I really think it is because my computer no longer lives in my kitchen in a tidy little place that is visible all the time, rather it is a laptop.....convenient?  Yes.  However I prefer a comfy seat and a separate keyboard.  But I digress.....

My family life took a turn for the worse about three years ago when I, against my husbands incredibly accurate gut instinct, allowed my sister to move in to help with the care of my mom.  We moved into a mother/daughter home at that time so she could have her own place (yes, I miss my other house, but this is now becoming home).  My sister lasted here a little over a year before she broke the one rule we had, causing us to have to ask her to leave.  It was a risk to our family to keep her here.  Needless to say, it didn't go over well as she had no where to go (she was homeless when she came which is the ONLY reason I begged Eric to allow her to come in the first place).  Long story short she "popped" in unannounced, which was incredible since we asked her to not come back.....and viola!  There she was in my living room, which caused some problems.  OK....LOTS of problems.  So much so that we had to hire an attorney to protect our assets as she was making accusations that we were misappropriating my mothers funds (totally not true.)  My mom lived with us ten years and we had taken nothing from her in those 10 years.  Long story short, she "popped" in two more times and this last time was this summer.  My mom almost died while she was here.  Ended up in sub acute rehab.  My mom lasted there 2 weeks before I got a call from the facility advising me that my sister took my mom AMA (against medical advice) and that was that.  GONE.  My mom was GONE.....and the worst part yet - NO ONE would tell me where she was other than they were going to CA on Sunday morning (this was Friday night and the facility was the one who told me that).  Best description I could give of the feeling and destruction that was left behind was as if my mom was kidnapped.  There that morning cause I went to see her.  Several hours later she is gone and no one will tell me anything.  Via text, we BEGGED Terri to allow us to say goodbye to no avail and by Saturday night were begging to let the kids say goodbye ON HER TERMS and she said no.  So 3 weeks have passed and we will never know where my mom is.  My sister will not tell us and my daughter went so far as to text Terri to ask how Mina was and to tell Mina she loved her and Terri told Raechyl that I was the reason they "snuck" out because I was stressing my mom out?  WTF does that mean?  Raechyl (bless her wise soul) told Terri to take responsibility for her own actions for once in her life and asked again to speak with Mina and the last response was "Hun, call me when you're 18 and we'll talk)....she is 16+.

I'll blog about some other things that happened in those 5 weeks preceding this event (some quite funny  - other, not so much).  but our family is trying to recover from the trauma caused by this event.  And to boot, this isn't the first time my mom left me with nothing.  When I was 13 she took my sister (then 16) to California and left me behind with my abusive alcoholic father for 2 years with not so much as a phone call just to come home 2 years later.  This time she isn't coming home.  I am sure I will never see her alive again.  I am also pretty sure I won't even be notified when she dies.  After 47 years of this family and 20 of caring for my mom (10 in her home and the last 10 in mine) you could imagine what we are dealing with....especially with regards to my children.  But God is bigger than all this....I have to keep reminding myself of this.  But it has been nearly 3 weeks now and I can honestly say I haven't had too many days without tears and I am pretty sure I will never understand this whole thing nor why it was done nor how someone could to that to someone......not allow them and their children to say goodbye.  That is all we asked and were denied again and again.

So for now, we (my immediate family) pull closer, dig deeper, talk more, pray a lot and just try to get thru this most difficult season.

Until next time......