I have been a believer for just over 10 years. The Lord has delivered me from many things in those ten years and has been ever so patient while this thick head and leather neck of mine, at times, refused to bend. But He redeems it all.
In the last nearly two years, I have gone thru some sort of funk where I find myself vascillating (more than usual) in my faith...to the point of actually a full sprint away in the last six months. In that time period, I have been gently whispered to by God, then gently nudged, then "shaken" if you will, then "warned" sternly that I was teetering on total disaster. During this time, He has allowed some health issues to arise, I would imagine in an attempt to get me to slow down and finally listen. I had an implant in my mouth that didn't take, so now I have to have another surgery to have another post implanted in my jaw...I had one ganglian cyst on my foot which prevented me from going to the gym, and now there are three. I have a kidney stone which caused some serious bleeding that now needs to be surgically removed because it is too large to pass. I tore my rotator cuff and had surgery three weeks ago and am unable to drive for 4-6 weeks. He even took my beloved horse, Karly, from me. One would think that all this would get me to slow down, repent, turn around and spend time home with my Lord, getting back to the only secure place I have ever stood in my entire life....but NNNNNNOOOOOOO. This Italian is too darn thick headed. So in a full sprint I ran....until Good Friday, April 2, 2010.
Now in an attempt to not bear my ENTIRE soul here for the world to read, let's just say that the culmination of all this ended with a bang. In my time running, I would still periodically be fairly close to Jesus, but not nearly where I used to be. I ran places I didn't even know I was capable of going to. I jumped in pits deeper than I could ever imagine going. One person once quipped, "Sin will always take you farther than you ever intended to go, keep you longer than you ever intended to stay, and cost you far more than you ever intended to pay".....and boy is that the truth.
See, the Lord makes this Christian walk quite simple...Know the Lord, follow his decrees and when we fall (and we ALL do), allow Him to dust you off and get right back on track. Pray, know His word and allow the power of HIS Spirit work within you. But people like me complicate matters. I often wonder....why He chose me. My best guess is that if we were all Billy Grahams or Martin Luthers, that would be no fun for Him. He must choose people like me, knowing the trouble I would cause, and knowing I would be a handful to "raise" up. But, for whatever His reason, He did choose me, and Lord knows....I HAVE BEEN A HANDFUL!
But I am an expert runner....queen of masquerade. And not just a sprinter, or short distance runner. I am a marathon runner. And I'm fast. Now, I clearly do not mean that literally....I can't even get out of my own way when it comes to running. But figuratively, I am a marathon runner. But He is faster than even me. And when He means business, He means business. And He FINALLY got my attention. Why am I writing all this? Because I just want everyone to know some things about the Lord.
1) He is bigger than any problem we could ever have
2) He will never let you go completely
3) He is long suffering in patience....even when you have been so far gone
4) His love never wavers
5) He will never leave you nor foresake you....He goes to the deepest pit WITH you.
6) He will protect you (and your family) if you let Him
7) When you trust Him, He will amaze you (if you just get out of His way and let HIM do the work - believe it or not - He is quite capable without MY help!)
8) He will mend the most broken heart and spirit!
So, everyone, when you think you are too far gone, used goods, not even capable of turning back, remember this...He will NOT stop until He has your FULL UNDIVIDED attention, and will shower mercy and grace upon you even at the bottom of the pit!
He is amazing like that. That pit stinks, a real stench. But it doesn't bother Him. He has told me recently, "I am tired of your running and you will not listen. This is my final warning...." and that did it. Then, to my amazement, once He had my attention, He whispered to me, "Now....are you ready to allow me to show you my love? Show you that you CAN trust me? Show you that YOU are ALL that matters to me? And Arrie....know that I never stopped loving you, not once. I can't. I am love. And you, Arrie, are the daughter of the King. Let me rebuild that broken spirit, but this time, I require simply one thing....an undivided heart".
So my friends, I am so lost that I don't even know where to begin. But He does. He will guide me. He has held my hand. He has showered grace upon grace on me. He has kept me....once again. And for me....where does that leave me? Lost, scared to death, tired from running, hurt, broken and empty. But that's all ok, because until we go to Him EMPTY, we cannot allow Him to fill us with what only He can.
So Father, it's finally You and me. Finally. Now, I will pray for a renewed spirit to keep me, energy to continue, and peace thru it. And the beauty of the entire mess? I know He will deliver every bit of that and more.
Until next time...
