My God...

I have been a believer for just over 10 years. The Lord has delivered me from many things in those ten years and has been ever so patient while this thick head and leather neck of mine, at times, refused to bend. But He redeems it all.

In the last nearly two years, I have gone thru some sort of funk where I find myself vascillating (more than usual) in my faith...to the point of actually a full sprint away in the last six months. In that time period, I have been gently whispered to by God, then gently nudged, then "shaken" if you will, then "warned" sternly that I was teetering on total disaster. During this time, He has allowed some health issues to arise, I would imagine in an attempt to get me to slow down and finally listen. I had an implant in my mouth that didn't take, so now I have to have another surgery to have another post implanted in my jaw...I had one ganglian cyst on my foot which prevented me from going to the gym, and now there are three. I have a kidney stone which caused some serious bleeding that now needs to be surgically removed because it is too large to pass. I tore my rotator cuff and had surgery three weeks ago and am unable to drive for 4-6 weeks. He even took my beloved horse, Karly, from me. One would think that all this would get me to slow down, repent, turn around and spend time home with my Lord, getting back to the only secure place I have ever stood in my entire life....but NNNNNNOOOOOOO. This Italian is too darn thick headed. So in a full sprint I ran....until Good Friday, April 2, 2010.

Now in an attempt to not bear my ENTIRE soul here for the world to read, let's just say that the culmination of all this ended with a bang. In my time running, I would still periodically be fairly close to Jesus, but not nearly where I used to be. I ran places I didn't even know I was capable of going to. I jumped in pits deeper than I could ever imagine going. One person once quipped, "Sin will always take you farther than you ever intended to go, keep you longer than you ever intended to stay, and cost you far more than you ever intended to pay".....and boy is that the truth.

See, the Lord makes this Christian walk quite simple...Know the Lord, follow his decrees and when we fall (and we ALL do), allow Him to dust you off and get right back on track. Pray, know His word and allow the power of HIS Spirit work within you. But people like me complicate matters. I often wonder....why He chose me. My best guess is that if we were all Billy Grahams or Martin Luthers, that would be no fun for Him. He must choose people like me, knowing the trouble I would cause, and knowing I would be a handful to "raise" up. But, for whatever His reason, He did choose me, and Lord knows....I HAVE BEEN A HANDFUL!

But I am an expert runner....queen of masquerade. And not just a sprinter, or short distance runner. I am a marathon runner. And I'm fast. Now, I clearly do not mean that literally....I can't even get out of my own way when it comes to running. But figuratively, I am a marathon runner. But He is faster than even me. And when He means business, He means business. And He FINALLY got my attention. Why am I writing all this? Because I just want everyone to know some things about the Lord.
1) He is bigger than any problem we could ever have
2) He will never let you go completely
3) He is long suffering in patience....even when you have been so far gone
4) His love never wavers
5) He will never leave you nor foresake you....He goes to the deepest pit WITH you.
6) He will protect you (and your family) if you let Him
7) When you trust Him, He will amaze you (if you just get out of His way and let HIM do the work - believe it or not - He is quite capable without MY help!)
8) He will mend the most broken heart and spirit!

So, everyone, when you think you are too far gone, used goods, not even capable of turning back, remember this...He will NOT stop until He has your FULL UNDIVIDED attention, and will shower mercy and grace upon you even at the bottom of the pit!

He is amazing like that. That pit stinks, a real stench. But it doesn't bother Him. He has told me recently, "I am tired of your running and you will not listen. This is my final warning...." and that did it. Then, to my amazement, once He had my attention, He whispered to me, "Now....are you ready to allow me to show you my love? Show you that you CAN trust me? Show you that YOU are ALL that matters to me? And Arrie....know that I never stopped loving you, not once. I can't. I am love. And you, Arrie, are the daughter of the King. Let me rebuild that broken spirit, but this time, I require simply one thing....an undivided heart".

So my friends, I am so lost that I don't even know where to begin. But He does. He will guide me. He has held my hand. He has showered grace upon grace on me. He has kept me....once again. And for me....where does that leave me? Lost, scared to death, tired from running, hurt, broken and empty. But that's all ok, because until we go to Him EMPTY, we cannot allow Him to fill us with what only He can.

So Father, it's finally You and me. Finally. Now, I will pray for a renewed spirit to keep me, energy to continue, and peace thru it. And the beauty of the entire mess? I know He will deliver every bit of that and more.

Until next time...

Karly - with a "K" That is, Ryan Day Karly Lyn to be exact....R.I.P....

Many of you already know, but for those who don't, much has happened over the last 12 months. I have not blogged much, but did tell you all about my blessed Karly (with a K). Unfortunately, on Saturday, March 13 - just two days before I had surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff - Karly died. She was a young and tender 13.

I got the dreaded call...."R, Karly is down. Hurry up and get here". I ran~ I was there in about 4 minutes...about as long as it took me to throw on my mucking boots and rain coat and speed there. It was POURING rain for the third day in a row and bitter cold. When I got there, there was only the barn owner's 18 year old son, Justin, keeping Karly on her feet. I took over. However, she was throwing me around - literally - like a rag doll. My sister Terri, Raechyl and I did our best to keep her on her feet. She would pull me anywhere she wanted while I desperately tried to keep her on her feet. 2000 pounds versus 140 pounds - you do the math. It was NOT pretty. You can't let a colicking horse go down...you walk them and walk them to prevent them from going down. This went on for over an hour until the owner and help arrived. The vet was not far behind. We had SO much medicine on board that she should have been paralyzed, but the pain was so intense it barely affected her. We had no choice but to race her to the hospital.

In the end, Karly lost the battle at nearly 9 pm that evening. It is something I could never describe to anyone what it is like to see a 2 ton creature that 6 hours ago was lively and fine covered in mud (my white horse) from head to toe, writhing in pain, unable to stand, lose the battle of her life. The 2000 pound nearly 19 hand beautiful white Karly staring me in the eye on the floor of the stall in the hospital begging me to make the pain stop....and I could do NOTHING but watch. I prayed, we medicated her with enough medication to put four horses out of pain and she still writhed in pain until she could finally take no more. And at about 9 pm that evening, she died.

She was my first horse. Yes, I have Buddy, but he is leased and isn't technically mine though we are all he knows...Karly and I took months, hours each and every day to build a friendship...a relationship where she could trust me. One where, in the end, she would come the minute she saw me in the pasture. One where she trusted me, and I trusted her. One where she knew I was hers, and she mine. One that, unfortunately, ended before it began. My Karly...gone.

I had her cremated. She is now in my living room, a small token of the first horse I ever actually owned...the first one I took the time each day with to build a trusting friendship that was give and take. She gave love like no other horse I know. Her giant black eyes. She would put her nostril up to my mouth to smell my breath...she would inhale long and stare right into my eyes as if to say, "Yup, it's you allright. The one I trust". I cut her mane that night. I have the braid on her box of ashes with a frame and three pictures of me and her. Me and my Karly.

Karly never did get to come home. Now, I look out back at my new house and see the barn that Karly should have called home. I see the pasture out side my house that Karly should be in. But the Lord did not see fit for that to be. I have learned these recent days that I must trust in the Lord. His plans are best. So for now, I have only a braid, a box and a frame to look at, but inside I have the love of a giant gently draft horse that changed this girls life forever.

My Karly....She is very sorely missed.

Until next time...

Carly....That's how much I knew about her....

Her name is actually KARLY (not Carly). Her actual name is Ryan Day Karly Lyn. Now, I do not pretend to know why any breeder would put that many names on ANY horse, but they do. They are usually some combination of the sire and the mare. In this case, it is that and then some. In any event, I convinced Eric to take her as a rescue...an "easy keep" as we horse people like to say. That is a horse that requires not much of anything. Karly stays out to pasture and that is it. $200 a month in boarding and that is it. Oh yes, quarterly hoof trimming ($60) and 1 annual vet visit. No big one, right?

Guess again.

Within the first week we owned her, she colicked. That is what happens when horses get sick. They cannot throw up so if they get sick, their intestines and colon get backed up, twisted or something in between and it can cause them to die. Many times, they do. And the process is fast. I got a call from the barn owner that Karly was "down" (not a good thing). When horses are down, they are sick. Not that they never lay down, but she was clearly in pain. When this happens, you call the vet and try to get the horse up and walking. I got there as soon as I could and spent the next hour, while waiting for the vet, walking her around to try to keep her on her feet. This is protocol with colick. As soon as I would stop walking her, she would go down. We would get her up and repeat the process. Finally, I knew she was just going to collapse so I brought her into a stall, let her go down and prayed for the vet to get there.

She did. She examined Karly and made a determination that she had a blockage. We got some meds on board and "tubed" her. This is sticking a hose down the nose into the stomach and flushing with an oil/water combo to determine if there was a twist in her gut. If the water comes flushing out her other nose, she has one and we would have to put her down. She did not have a twist so we sedated her and spend the next 24 hours walking her every 2 hours and keeping her well sedated. The long and short of it is she made it. It took three days but she is back to her old gentle self.

However, our "easy keep" that would only cost us $200 a month ended up costing us nearly a thousand dollars the first week we owned her. She is still my gentle giant. I love her and I love my husband who works so hard for me to keep her.

Until next time...