As I contemplated this I was listing to a a preacher who reminded me that each and every one of us will sit at the Great White Throne and give account for every word and deed we have ever spoken or performed....saved or unsaved....we will all answer to Jesus. As I thought about this, I asked the Lord to show me....what have I said and done in this sometimes apathetic life...and I wept at what I saw...
My first sight was Billy...and all the times I had opportunity to share Christ with him...but never did. I was a new Christian and the ONLY Christian amongst my friends. I just never did. Fear... Christ's eyes were remorseful, but ever so loving...and there was Billy. The Lord did not reveal to me whether or not Billy was in heaven or hell, but He did make it clear to me that I wasted many opportunities to ensure Billy knew the truth. But my Jesus, He never shared any feeling other than total love for me...I never felt ashamed, or unloved....simply seeing what could have been. Next was my childhood...
We went back. Very far back. I was only a child. Abused. Neglected. Unloved and at times, unlovable. But Jesus showed me in brief pictures the good of it all. From a flash of some abuse to the flash of sharing with another woman abused, providing hope and understanding and comfort. Another flash of unkind words and actions at the hand of an earthly father to a flash of kind, loving words from my Heavenly Father...again, no shame; only love and compassion. I wondered why Jesus showed me this way...why not just get it over with and show me all the ugly at once, but I guess that isn't how our loving Father operates...never all the ugly at once, and always the ugly covered by honor and good. Somehow...
More flashes...things I cannot even share but Jesus managed somehow to cloak each and every one with honor and dignity, even when there was none. My Jesus, how he loves me. He reminded me that even though time was not always used the way He would have me use it, He was very pleased with me and oh, how He loved me. I wondered why I had to see all the ugly, even though it was through a veil of dignity and love....why I wondered. And then He showed me.
He stepped aside and that is when I saw it, flashes so fast I could hardly make sense of it with my eyes, but somehow my mind understood. Somehow I was able to see all the things that could have been. Again, I didn't seem to feel anything negative...nothing other than utter love and comfort. Even the things that could have been....like sharing with Billy. Like not being so steeped in self loathing that I would mutilate myself and instead knowing MUCH earlier how much the Lord loved me...or not being so hurt by my past that I would step out and do such deplorable things I cannot even write them...but rather have the family and marriage MANY years earlier that God had ordained from the very beginning. I saw blessing after blessing after blessing....smiles, love, no struggles, children so secure in the Lord EARLY, a husband who was loved and honored from the beginning regardless of circumstance and me...a wife in submission - in love with honor for my earthly husband and my Heavenly Husband. There was so much more to see, so much more to process. Flashes, flashes...a baby in heaven - mine. Loved and with my Jesus. Even this He blessed. He showed me my body closely and somehow all the physical scars were gone - every last one of them. He showed me the inside, my heart, and it too was clean. He showed me my friend Jackie, waiting for me - smiling at me...oh Jesus - more love. He wanted me to know that even in the mess of things, there were blessings - and when blessings were missed, there was love...and honor. Love and honor for ME - the wretch that I am. But not to God. Nope. Not to God. Somehow to God I remained HIS love, HIS daughter who He loved from the beginning. It was hard for me to understand though, why the suffering, why not call me in the beginning...and Jesus must have known my heart because at about that time, He looked at me, with those eyes...oh those eyes. So filled with love and honor for ME! And again, no words, He simply stepped aside. And again, flashes. More flashes.
This time of what was...and what would have been if I had NOT done each and every thing I had done or had not suffered each and every thing I suffered. Like the wife who simply could not bear another day in her home, but God led her to me...and I shared. And He showed me her and her family....still together. Happy. And the young lady so wrapped up in drugs that she could not even think, but God led her to me...and I shared. And He showed me her - happy and helping others heal, just like she did. And she was sharing the love of Christ with them ALL! See, my words did not fall on deaf ears, but on ears that were hopeless - a message of hope - Jesus. And now she shares her hope with them - the hopeless. And that one person who thought they were above a certain area of sin, vulnerable and didn't even know it. But my heart broke and I shared my fall, how I ought to have been the VERY LAST person to fall in this area. Yes, I told her everything. And she had ears to hear. She didn't know it but Jesus showed me...if I had not shared, her life would have been devastated, but because I shared, she went another way...the way of love and freedom - the way of Jesus. He showed me it all. He showed me how, even though there were countless times I blew it, He still used them. He still loved me. He still held me. Flashes, flashes...Somehow He used it all.
And then the things that I DID do in obedience...oh how He shone when He stepped aside again to reveal His pleasure here. The times I fought the hard fight, like Abraham, in hope against hope. And how He blessed me and my family. How I stayed obedient and He healed my Raechyl....and my Adam. Each differently but both healed - miracles. And how He, because in obedience I bore my complete soul to my husband, how HE gave Eric a heart to hear and a heart to forgive. Oh how Jesus smiled when He showed me that one! Flashes, more flashes. Lines and lines of unknown people to me. Who were they I wondered. And no sooner had I wondered when He somehow managed to, without words, convey to me that they were the NEW citizens of heaven....because of His love for ME! People I don't even recognize. Somehow MY life made a difference to them....flashes, more flashes.
But the beautiful end. He sat down on a beautiful white throne, radiance beyond comprehension. Oh those eyes. He just looked at me with those eyes. They spoke thousands of words, but He never said one. Then I saw it. The most beautiful crown. So beautiful. Jewels I have never seen and can not lay words to. Shining, radiant like my Jesus. And I knew what He was saying. I knew what He wanted from me...
I picked up that crown, oh that crown...it was my WHOLE life. The one that He had been keeping which represented MY life...MY works. Done and undone. See, I always thought my crown that I would give Him would be empty. But He would not have it that way...not my Jesus. I knew what it was there for. It was as if I was the ONLY person He had ever seen and that crown was the ONLY crown He had ever seen. Oh, those eyes. I knew...I knew. I bent over, picked it up and knelt at His feet. Bowed down, prostrate in front of Him. I knew...I looked up into those eyes. I reached out, handed it to Him and as if this was the ONLY crown He would ever receive from His ONLY child, He smiled at me...and oh those eyes. He bent His head down, humbly, and I reached over and laid it on His head. He raised His head and those eyes...those eyes said a million things at that moment, but they were all summed up in one feeling - honor. He was honored with the crown...my measly crown that could have been so much more...should have been so much more. But not to Jesus - not to my Jesus. It was EVERYTHING to Him. And I knew what He was saying to me....
"Arrie, we have five minutes before judgment....go back. Live. Love. Share. Obey. Never, but NEVER regret the past because I will use it for My glory and your good. There will NEVER be a moment wasted, but remember, only five minutes..."
